AngerThings that spark your anger will always be present in life and you can't change everything around you or many peoples' behaviour. So saying, 'They make me angry' implies that 'they' have control over you. You can choose how to respond to things and this is the key to gaining better control over your anger. When we take responsibility for our behaviour and ask, 'What am I focussing on which gets me this angry'? Then we can start to manage your anger. Bear in mind that anger is how we react, not how we are Our Own Set Of Rules Often the angry person is placing their expectations on others and when things don't go as they expect they can react angrily. However, they can feel powerless as a result. If you have a long list of how you think people should be or act this can result in you becoming angry in response to the mismatch. In addition you may conclude that other people's behaviours are strange or bizarre. Mind Reading Sometimes we can feel we 'know' what others' intentions are by their actions. We think we 'know' that others are doing things deliberately to aggravate us. Because we think we 'know' their intentions we don't bother asking them why they did or said something. We feel that if they respected us they'd know not to do or say that particular thing and that they should know their behaviour would provoke an angry response. Evidence can always be found to support our theories and suspicions. These can often be added to our list or Rule Book. This style of thinking can become a habit. The mental process runs, guesses and appraises - then an angry response can result. Bad Day/Bad Life Sometimes if things don't go well in the morning, we can decide that it's going to be a bad day. Our awareness of the negative things that happen around us can then stack up and make us increasingly more angry. Eventually, there will be that one incident that occurs that ends up being 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. This collecting process may start each day or accumulate over longer periods of time. Incidents may then be added to our stewing pot which eventually simmers over. Self-Directed Anger This can come from an early set of rules imposed on us as children. It's helpful to re-evaluate them as adults to see if they are still relevant. Bring them out into the cold light of day, be aware of them and observe them in daily life. Rules like, 'You must get it right first time', are impossible to abide by and may make us scared to try new things for fear of failure. Violating this perfectionist's belief will undermine your self confidence and self worth. |
Defusing Your Anger 1) Look at anger logically Realise that you can't change the world or others. People are human, have failings and therefore, try not to bear a grudge. Anger affects you most of all; your health, mind and relationships. 2) Identify the triggers Pay attention to the irritants and make a list of them. Take a week or so to observe them and compile a list. 3) Rate the Triggers 1=minor. 10=major. Next to each one on the list, note the 'meaning' or 'assumed' intention (see 'Mind Reading'). 4) Evaluate the Cost Starting with the minor triggers, evaluate what happens as a consequence. For example, people may brood after your angry outburst and there may be a bad atmosphere for several hours. Or they may get angry back and then an argument ensues. Progress onto the major triggers only after you are comfortable with this evaluation process. 5) Better Ways To React Look at the incidents and decide what would be a better way of dealing with each situation, if this is credible or possible. A negotiation or discussion maybe, or a simple request might be more suitable. 6) Transferring This To Real Life Try to become self-aware. When a trigger is activated, realise that it has been set off and that you could be potentially acting like a puppet. Decide that this is no longer acceptable and consult your 'better ways to react' list and imagine doing things differently. For further coaching help and advice please contact us. |
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